


The Ghost By The River

by EmeraldNorth



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, F/M, Time Loop, What is a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-06-08 12:33:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15243477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldNorth/pseuds/EmeraldNorth
Summary: When seven-year-old Sougo Okita meets a beautiful, pale woman with bright red hair near the river one day, he thinks she's a ghost. Either that or he finally managed to summon a demon to get rid of Hijikata.[Two-shot; TimeLoop!AU; OkiKagu]Cross-posted from my FF.net





	1. Coincidence

**[Part 1: In which Okita spends his entire life hopelessly in love with someone he cannot have.]**

* * *

"I was always told that ghosts are ugly. Like, really ugly."

Sougo Okita was not known for having tact, nor was he known for being respectful. But then again, what could one expect from a seven-year-old boy?

Not that the little boy in question cared, the only people he considered worthy of respect were his big sister and Kondou, after all.

The strange woman he had just spoken too, the one that was standing by the river and staring off into the distance, turned her head towards him and raised a brow. "What makes you think I'm a ghost, brat?"

Something about her ticked him off immediately. Maybe it was her weird accent, or maybe it was the way her lips formed a smug grin on her face, maybe even the way the word 'brat' left her mouth.

But he knew this game, and he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of showing her how much it upset him.

"You're really pale, old hag. Like a ghost." He responded instead, sticking out his tongue at her and grinning on the inside. That insult always upset those haughty women that kept bothering his sister, so surely it'd work this time as well.

Except that it didn't. The woman's blue eyes locked with his unexpectedly, and he couldn't help but compare them to the dark depths of the ocean, pulling him under, not allowing him to breathe. His breath hitched, and somehow he managed to snap out of it.

Her gaze left his, and she put a gloved hand on her chin. "A ghost, huh? You could say that."

Sougo scrunched his brows, because this woman was definitely no ghost. He already eliminated that possibility from his mind. According to Mitsuba, ghosts were really ugly, and as much as he decided he didn't like her, this pale-skinned, fiery-haired woman wasn't ugly enough to be one.

"No, you're not." He cut in childishly. "You're a demon, right?"

The woman shifted her eyes back to him. "Hmm… I guess that would fit as well."

"Hmpf." The seven-year-old put his hands on his hips and grinned. "It's about time you came, servant."

The woman didn't seem very impressed by his words, her expression morphing into a grimace. "Oh great." She sighed. "This again."

Sougo ignored her, his mind having already created the perfect explanations for these circumstances. Since she wasn't a ghost, she had to be the demon he had been trying to summon over the past few weeks in order to get rid of Hijikata, yes, that had to be it.

"Alright, demon, tell me your name. Afterwards we shall proceed to your task at hand." He commanded of her, bright red eyes looking up at her expectantly.

* * *

Sougo was young back then, so he didn't notice. He didn't notice the way her eyes flitted to the side nervously. He didn't notice how hesitant she seemed.

He didn't notice her lips quivering as she told him her name.

But most importantly, he didn't notice the hurricane of emotions that twisted and creaked in the blues of her eyes.

* * *

"So, what do you want me to do for you?" Kagura, as she introduced herself, asked while walking beside him. Her purple parasol cast a shadow large enough to shade him as well, shielding him from the afternoon sun.

"Get rid of the bug that has infested our house." He answered without hesitation.

Kagura let out a sigh. "What kind of bug infestation are we talking about here?"

Sougo pulled his lips into a thin line, setting his face into a serious expression. "Emergency level Mayonnaise."

Kagura didn't respond, so Sougo decided to elaborate. "You see, a few months ago, this Hijikata guy showed up at our dojo, and lately, my sister's been acting really weird around him as well."

At that, the red-haired demon snorted loudly.

Sougo whipped his head to the side, fixating her with his best glare. "What was that?!"

Kagura hid her mouth behind her free hand, clearly struggling not to burst out in laughter.

He pushed out his bottom lip, intensifying the glare. "What's so funny, huh?!"

"I think you're a bit too young to understand, brat." She explained eventually, patting him on the head like a dog.

"I'm not too young." Sougo swatted her hand away. "I'm already seven."

"Yes, soooo mature, I can hardly believe it." Kagura drawled innocently. "That's why I'm also twice as tall as you are, Chihuahua."

"Hmpf." Sougo huffed. "One day, I'll be taller than you, just you wait. You better enjoy your time until then, old hag."

"… If you say so."

* * *

In retrospect, her strange answer should have been suspicious. Everything about her should have been suspicious.

But she held an air of familiarity, and her presence comforted him in some kind of strange way.

* * *

"Good afternoon, Sougo, where have you been all this time?" His big sister, Mitsuba, poked her head out of the kitchen door to greet him, a soft smile on her lips.

"I went to the river." He answered dutifully, then took hold of Kagura's arm and pulled her into the house. "And I brought someone along."

Mitsuba's smile seemed to falter a bit upon looking at his newest companion. "Oh, is this a… friend of yours, Sougo?" She laughed hesitantly.

"Nope, she's our guardian demon." Sougo replied swiftly.

"Pardon the intrusion." Kagura bowed respectfully before removing her boots and stepping into the living area. "Your brother mentioned something about a bug infestation, and I think I can help."

Mitsuba furrowed her brows in confusion. "A bug infestation? Was there such a thing in our house…?"

Sougo nodded vehemently. "I decided to protect you, big sis, so don't worry about it."

Mitsuba laughed and pulled her brother into a quick hug. "Oh, Sougo, you're so grown-up already. Let's eat dinner before you two go on your bug hunt, okay?"

* * *

Maybe he should've thought about asking Kagura what kind of food demons ate, instead of just assuming that she'd be okay with tons of rice.

Actually, why  _did_  he assume she would like rice?

* * *

"You don't have a place to stay?" Mitsuba gasped, one hand covering her mouth. "But what about your family?"

"They're… not here anymore." Kagura replied vaguely.

His sister's eyes filled with understanding, and Sougo already knew what she was going to say.

"Why don't you stay here for the time being, then? We have plenty of free rooms, and it wouldn't hurt to have a helping hand in the house." Mitsuba offered full-heartedly.

If it was up to Sougo, the guardian demon could just sleep outside on the lawn, but talking back to his sister was not a good idea, so he ended up staying quiet.

On the other hand, now Kagura would always be around to protect his big sis from that Hijikata-bug, so maybe it wasn't that bad after all.

* * *

Sometimes, at night, she would sit on the porch and look up at the moon, almost longingly, with eyes filled with loneliness.

But his younger self dismissed those nights.

* * *

Hijikata's reaction to their guardian demon was priceless.

His open mouth, the twitching brow, the confusion dancing in his eyes… Everything about it was perfectly hilarious, and a certain appreciation formed in his gut when he caught sight of Kagura smirking behind her palm.

Unfortunately, it didn't stop Hijikata from coming around. At first, yes, he had visited less frequently, but soon enough he had grown accustomed to Kagura and her myriad of facial expressions, which led them back to point zero.

One day, he brought this up to Kagura, who was lounging in the shade of a tree in their backyard.

"I told you already, you're too young to understand." She had sighed wistfully, her blue, blue eyes peering into his soul. "But I think… You'll understand soon enough."

As vague and cryptic as ever, Kagura smiled that day.

But why was her smile so sad?

* * *

Of course, now, he understood. He understood everything.

But once again, it was too late.

* * *

"Hey, brat."

Sougo grimaced and turned his head to glare at Kagura. "I have a name, you know?" He muttered with a pout.

"I'm aware, I just chose not to use it." She grinned at him, then reached out and settled her hand on his shoulder, the grin slipping from her lips again.

"You're strong, you know?" She said.

Sougo furrowed his brows. "Are you feeling well? You're being awfully nice to me." He gasped. "Did you eat any mayonnaise, by any chance?!"

She snorted in the most unladylike manner he had ever seen, but it wouldn't be Kagura if she didn't. "Is it really that weird for me to say something nice to you once in a while?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

Kagura sighed and shook her head. "Then I guess I'll have to apologize."

"Apologize? Now I definitely know something's wrong with you." He deadpanned.

A small smile, no, grimace made its way to her lips. "You could say that. You see…"

She took a deep breath. "I'll probably be leaving soon."

An uncomfortable knot formed in his stomach when he fully processed her words. Deep down, he didn't want her to leave. Not that he'd ever give her the satisfaction of knowing that.

He put his best smirk on his face, albeit it being shaky. "Hah, it's about time. You've been mooching off us all this time, you eat like a pig and Hijikata's still around. What good were you anyway?"

Her hand left his shoulder and settled on the top of his head.

"You've grown quite a bit since I first met you." She went on, dismissing his words. She saw through him with those piercing blue eyes. "You're almost as tall as I am, now."

It was a clear exaggeration, he had hardly grown a few centimeters since then, and even now she was still looming over him. With all his maturity, he stuck out his tongue at her and blew a raspberry.

She laughed it off, ruffled his hair and smiled. "Take care, Sougo."

* * *

He remembered the way his heart pounded when she said his name.

He remembered how empty he felt when she left.

* * *

Many things happened after that. Bad things.

Mitsuba's health had greatly decreased, but she still smiled for him every day.

That made it hurt even more when they decided to leave for the city. Kondou believed they would find their true purpose in Edo, but Sougo hesitated because it meant leaving Mitsuba behind.

And, just as Kagura had said, he now understood what the tension between Hijikata and Mitsuba meant. It made him feel sick, to be honest. Hijikata wasn't, and never would be good enough for his big sis.

So when Hijikata turned his sister down, he was filled with so many, conflicting feelings. He thought he would be ecstatic, but he wasn't. His heart ached for Mitsuba, his hate for Hijikata intensifying, but at the same time, he knew why that mayo bastard did what he did.

He didn't want to sympathise with Hijikata. It felt wrong.

On the last day, he visited the river bank once more, wondering whether Kagura would show up again, even if a few years had passed since he had seen her last.

The sun started to dip past the horizon, and he reluctantly accepted that she wouldn't be coming.

* * *

Edo was… different from what he expected.

His sword was sheathed by his side as he ordered the peculiar looking Amanto to empty their bag so he could check its contents.

"Hmmm, sir, can you tell me exactly what these are?" He held up the clear bag with purple powder, and the Amanto's pink face turned orange instantly.

"Ah, t-those, those are for my… uh, foot problems. I have terrible pain when I walk for too long, you know, officer?" It stammered, looking anywhere but at the sachet.

Okita sighed. "As if I haven't heard that one before. You're coming to the drug administrative with me." Before the Amanto could say anything else, Okita already whipped out the special handcuffs for Amanto of its shape and had begun dragging it towards the office.

It merely whimpered in defeat.

After his long day, he returned to the Shinsengumi compound and helped himself to dinner, hardworking men like himself definitely deserved it.

Hijikata glowered at him, just as he did every day. Okita just continued chewing his rice defiantly. He felt like taking a long nap, probably into tomorrow noon.

Yes, that sounded great.

* * *

He didn't care much for shooting booths, so he walked right past it on his patrol through the festival. Yamazaki went off to buy takoyaki for the shogun, but was probably stuffing his own face with it right now.

Okita sighed, pushing through the crowd. He was bored.

Then he, unavoidably, bumped into someone.

Sougo Okita didn't apologize when bumping into people, so he continued on his path through the crowd.

Until the person he ran into spoke up. "Oi, bastard, apologize for running into me!"

The clear, distinct sound of  _her_  voice made him whirl around in a split-second, her name on the tip of his tongue.

Her vibrant, vermillion hair glowed in the lantern light, framing her scowling face, her blue eyes hidden behind a pair of goggles, but it was unmistakably her.

"…Kagura?"

Her scowl morphed in an expression of shock and surprise. "Oh, it's you." The corners of lips tugged upwards. "Still a brat, I see."

"And you're still an unlikeable bitch." He retorted effortlessly, his face threatening to break out into a smile. He was elated to see her, as if something missing in his life was finally back.

However, her smile dissipated soon after as she glanced to the side. "It'd be for the best if you actually saw me that way."

"Huh? What are you talking about?" He fixated his gaze on her, noticing for the first time that he was now taller than her.

"I messed up again." She mumbled, barely audible. Then she shook her head and looked at him. "Head's up, officer. There's going to be a commotion here soon. Don't lose, okay?"

She patted him on the shoulder, and in a smooth motion, managed to slip past him and disappear back into the crowd.

* * *

True to her word, a commotion started up just a few minutes later. It started with a message coming in from Yamazaki, muffled due the takoyaki he was eating.

From the gist of it, it seemed that robots from the parade were trying to attack the shogun. But at the same time, somebody else was already intervening, from the sound of it.

Nonetheless, he made his way to the area, pushing through a panicking crowd. Soon enough he decided to use his full authority to get through, consisting of him pulling out a bazooka to kindly convince the people to let him pass.

It worked surprisingly well.

He found Kagura in the midst of the commotion, slicing through rampant robots with deadly grace and inhuman strength.

He watched her, in awe, ignoring Hijikata's orders.

* * *

"Hmmm, pale skin with monstrous strength? Probably a Yato." The suspicious man grumbled out while playing with the valuable coin Okita had bribed him with.

"A Yato?"

"Yep, scary mercenary race from a distant planet. I've only heard rumours about this part though, but apparently there's a really pretty red-haired one walking around Kabukichou lately, just don't let her cute face fool you. She could probably snap you like a twig."

Kabukichou, eh? Wasn't that where that troublesome Yorozuya duo stayed? It did make sense if she was working with them, as seemed evident by what happened during the festival.

* * *

"Oh, Sougo, you'll never believe what happened today." Kondou greeted him with a grin. "I met Kagura at the park near Kabukichou!"

"Is that so?" Okita mused. "I guess that's to be expected."

"Oh, you already knew she was in Edo? I was quite surprised to see her after all these years. She still looks exactly the same, too." His superior laughed loudly, just as Hijikata stepped into the room.

"Ah, Toshi, did you already know? Kagura's also here in Edo." Kondou relayed to the Vice-Chief.

Hijikata's face distorted, the unlit cigarette in his mouth falling to the ground. "Oh  _great_."

Somehow, it still made Okita unbearably happy to know how much the mere mention of Kagura's name could unsettle Hijikata. Maybe she did fulfil her role as demon, after all.

The next time he saw her, he'd have to reward her somehow.

* * *

They met again soon enough.

Like everything that had to do with Kagura, this incident was equally unexpected.

She was hanging upside down from a tree, a piece of seaweed tucked between her lips as she peered through a pair of binoculars into the distance.

"What are you doing?" He asked, genuinely confused. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were some kind of perverted stalker."

She redirected her gaze towards him, her red hair hanging around her like a dancing fire, moving softly with each breeze and every slight motion she made.

"I'm looking for a cat." She answered simply. "Have you seen it? It's kind of fat and ugly. Looks almost exactly like you."

"The only fat and ugly thing I see around here is you." He drawled with a small smirk.

She snorted in her most Kagura-esque manner, and against all logic his heartbeat sped up at the sound of it.

"You… wanna get some ice cream?" He asked her a moment later.

At first, she seemed hesitant, and Okita wondered whether she would actually turn him down - which would be absurd, because Kagura never turns down free food – but eventually she narrowed her eyes, raised a brow and responded.

"What's the occasion? You're being too nice to me."

"You gave Hijikata PTSD, so I thought I would reward you for being a good dog."

She blinked once, twice, thrice. With a defeated sigh, she dropped from the branch she was hanging on and landed on the ground with an elegant somersault. Glancing at him, her lips quirked upwards.

"What are you waiting for? You offered to buy me some jumbo-sized ice cream, right?"

_It was a good thing his pay check was large enough to cover her abysmal eating habits._

Huh, where did that thought come from? This was the first time he was buying her food, wasn't it?

He frowned, but followed her as she happily skipped towards the ice cream truck, humming a happy tune, twirling her umbrella around to the beat of it.

His eyes caught sight of a few leaves in her hair, so reached out to remove them, his fingers lingering on the strands of red gold longer than intended.

She looked over her shoulder at him, large blue eyes blinking in confusion. After glancing at his hand and the leaves between his fingers, she broke out into another smile.

"Oh, thanks." She mumbled.

His heart was pounding in his ears, not unlike the adrenaline rush he felt on the battlefield. "Uh, sure."

He suddenly remembered why he had thought she was some kind of supernatural being the first time they met, with how ethereal she seemed at times.

Even in the shade of her umbrella, she seemed to glow.

* * *

It wasn't the last time he bought her food either. He knew his excuses were growing thinner and thinner each time, but he was also pretty sure she had seen through him a long time ago.

Each and every time, she would seem hesitant, as if she was having some kind of internal struggle, but eventually she'd give in.

And her smile, her smile was always enough to make him forget the rest of the world.

* * *

At some point, Mitsuba came to visit them in Edo.

He didn't even need to notify her, Kagura was already standing at the gate to the Shinsengumi compound.

_As if she could see into the future._

Mitsuba was elated to see her, the two women falling into casual conversation, Okita trailing behind them.

"I'm so glad you're here for him, I was worried he'd be lonely. You know he has a hard time making friends…" Mitsuba sighed.

Kagura was biting down on her lip, suppressing her laughter as she snuck a glance at him. "Oh, you know me. I  _love_  helping out people in need."

"You're such a kind soul, Kagura." Mitsuba laughed, but it quickly escalated into a violent cough.

The air around them changed in the blink of a moment, dread filling his stomach as traces of red covered Mitsuba's palm.

"Ah, sorry." She mumbled.

Kagura held out a handkerchief, as if she knew this was going to happen.

His sister accepted it gratefully, wiping the blood from the corners of her mouth. She smiled apologetically.

"Why don't we go somewhere special?" Kagura suddenly asked. "There's this place that has the greatest spicy ramen around."

Mitsuba visibly perked at the mention of the word "spicy". "Sure, lead the way."

"Oh," Kagura added cheekily. "Sougo's buying. He just got his pay check yesterday."

"Wait." Okita cut in quickly. "Big sis… are you sure you should be eating something so spicy with your current health?"

Mitsuba's expression dimmed slightly. "Oh, don't worry about that. It's gotten better lately."

That was a blatant lie, and all three of them knew it. But… he felt bad for depriving his sister of one of the things she loved the most. He grimaced, letting Kagura lead them to the restaurant in question.

They settled into a booth, and once the steaming bowls of ramen were placed in front of them, Mitsuba occupied with piling chili flakes on hers, Kagura spoke up again.

"You don't have much longer, do you?" The question killed the mood completely, his big sister pausing her motions before setting the chili back on the table.

She smiled wearily. "Is it that obvious?"

Kagura nodded meekly, her blue eyes dulled over. Then she picked up the bowl of chili flakes and began adding the few spoonfuls left inside to her own meal.

"That's why… That's why I want you to do whatever you want to. Any last wishes, regrets, whatever, I'll help you fulfil them." Kagura stated with finality.

Mitsuba's ruby eyes widened. Then she smiled sadly and looked to the side. "But I don't have any regrets."

"That's not true, and all of us know it."

Okita bit down on his tongue. He knew what Kagura was talking about.

Hijikata.

He always told himself he'd do what was best for Mitsuba, fully aware that it wasn't necessarily what would make her happy. But… if she really didn't have much longer…

He clenched his fists under the table. Was there no way to prevent this? No way at all?

"Sougo… don't make such an upset face. It doesn't suit you." His sister's words forced him to look up and meet her caring gaze.

His heart ached. Why did it have to be Mitsuba? Why did she have to be stricken with this sickness?

* * *

Kagura was standing next to him, gaze directed at the night sky. They were currently standing outside the compound, waiting for Mitsuba and Hijikata to finish their conversation.

They'd be escorting his sister to the hospital after this.

Okita slumped his shoulders, sliding down the wall into a crouch. He… wasn't prepared to live in a world without Mitsuba. He wasn't ready.

He'd never be ready.

He managed to hold up a façade in front of the others, but now that it was only Kagura and him, he let himself give into the despair building up within him.

Her soothing presence was the only thing keeping him somewhat steady. Silently, she sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him. He welcomed the warmth of her embrace.

* * *

"I'm sorry." Mitsuba mumbled weakly, reaching up to caress his cheek. "I wish… I could have…"

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault." Okita told her heavy-heartedly. "Just… don't apologize…"

Mitsuba smiled as widely as she could. "I'm glad… you won't be alone anymore. Take care of her, alright?"

Her thumb wiped away the stray tear on his cheek. "I'm so proud of you, Sougo."

The flatline would ring in his ears for all eternity.

* * *

He found Kagura on the hospital rooftop, eating a pack of spicy chips wordlessly. Upon taking note of his arrival, she held out the bag to him.

He reached in and took out a handful.

"… so spicy."

* * *

There was no use moping over her death, he knew that, but his heart and mind were still at a loss of what to do in a world without Mitsuba.

Kagura…

Kagura was keeping her distance. For whatever reason, after Mitsuba's… funeral, he had hardly seen her.

It hurt him, deep down, to have her absent during this time during which he was ready to admit that he needed her.

* * *

At some point he decided to actively track her down. He would get to the bottom of things.

That's how they ended up here, her sitting under a tree, rays of moonlight illuminating flecks of her hair.

It was a cold night, but she didn't seem to mind.

"So… you found me." She didn't look at him. "I was hoping you wouldn't."

"Why?" It was the only question that had been plaguing all this time.

"I messed up. Again." She sighed, standing up and brushing her clothes off. "I've gotten too involved in your life. It'd be best if you forgot about me."

Anger welled up inside him. "What the hell are you talking about?" He took a step forward, and another. "Do you have any idea what you're asking of me?!" He forcefully grabbed her arms and shook her. "How can you say something so stupid, so selfish, now, now of all times?!"

She had to angle her head to look up at him. It was easy to forget that she was older by a few years.

"That's why I messed up. I should never have allowed myself to get close to you." She muttered regretfully. "I… no, it doesn't matter."

She pushed him away, fully intent on leaving.

Without hesitation, Okita reached out, pulling her back towards himself, trapping her in a suffocating hold. "How can you do this to me?!" He whispered into her ear, fury simmering in his words.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize!" He shouted at her, to which she pushed him back enough so that she could look up at him.

"See? I keep hurting you. I'm no good for you." She said quietly.

"I don't care! Just… I… How am I supposed to…" How was he supposed to live without her? First Mitsuba, and now…

She shook her head.

"Kagura." He choked out her name.

"It still feels weird to hear you call me by my name." She told him, a sad smile on her lips. "But it also feels nice, in a way."

She kept saying things that didn't make sense. Why?

"Take care, sadist." She freed herself from her hold, a single tear trailing down her cheek.

…sadist.

Sadist.

" _What are you doing, sadist?"_

It was a memory, a fuzzy one, but Kagura's voice was a pitch higher than it should be. Why?

The singular word was enough for him to whirl her around for a third time, fingers digging into the skin of her arms.

She didn't seem to be expecting him to do so, her blue eyes wider than usual. He could feel her hammering pulse under his fingertips.

And just a moment later, he did what his instinct had screamed to do the moment he heard that stupid nickname roll off her tongue.

_Kiss her. Give her a reason to stay. Don't let her leave._

_You can't manage without her._

She seemingly melted into his hold, his touch, his kiss.

But it was over just as quickly as it had begun. With finality, one last time, she pushed him away. Her tears glittered in the moonlight.

"I wish you didn't love me." She choked out. "Just as much as I wish I didn't love you!"


	2. Fatalistic

**[Part Two: In which Kagura tries to defy the laws of nature but fails miserably.]**

* * *

How many times had it already been?

Kagura let the sunlight caress her skin, accepting the pain as her punishment. It was a beautiful day, clear blue skies illuminating the bright green leaves of the nearby trees, reflecting in the water in front of her.

There was a haziness to her perception of the world, like it was never quite in focus. Probably the sunlight getting to her. With a defeated sigh, she unfolded her umbrella and huffed.

How many more times would she have to go through this?

She closed her eyes, an unintentional tear sliding down her cheek.

* * *

She would have expected to hate him by now. It wasn't physically possible, nor logically, that she still loved him after all the bullshit she's been through because of him.

Half of their encounters were accompanied by the urge to pull out her own hair and strangle him with it, the other half just wrecked her heart over and over again.

It was always at its worst when she noticed how he changed his behaviour around her. A bit more forward, a bit more direct. A flirty smirk which send her heart into overdrive. A playful wink.

Pretending not to care when he invited her out for ice cream the tenth time that week.

Waking her up by firing a bazooka at her.

Ah, no, wait, that was something else. She shook her head, trying to un-jumble her thoughts. It was summer, the sun blaring down.

At least on this planet, it was always summer. After most of her ideas fell short, she tried avoiding him altogether. It would be alright as long as they never met, right? Things always went downhill in his life the moment they meet.

She sat down in the sand, her umbrella her only shelter. There was nothing else far and wide.

What about this time? Would he really be able to fall in love with her while she was on this isolated planet in an absurd corner of the galaxy?

Surely not, right?

Right?

Maybe she would die here, without ever meeting him in this lifetime. Would that solve the problem? Break the loop? Do anything?

Her throat was parched, begging for water, but she didn't want to drink any. Her stomach was growling, but she didn't want to eat.

She wanted to cry, but had no more tears left.

* * *

It was like a bad joke, worse than the ones Gin told when he was really trying to be funny.

On this isolated planet, tucked away in the depths of the universe, she encountered Sougo Okita.

"Hmm, I dunno how to say this," He scratched the back of his neck. "but our spaceship was taken over by terrorists. I took care of them, but unfortunately I don't know how to pilot a spaceship, and neither did any of them." He pointed towards the rest of the passengers from his ship.

"Oh wait, do you even understand me?" He made some wild gestures and pointed to himself.

Kagura held up her hand in exasperation. "I understand you." She sighed.

He looked surprised for a moment, those overly-familiar red eyes boring into her curiously. "You've been to Japan before?"

"A long time ago." She averted her gaze and turned around. "I'm afraid I can't help you though."

"Why, you PMS-ing or something?"

There it was again, the urge to strangle him. "No, I just don't have any reason nor means to help you." With that, she took a determined step, then another one.

"Jeez, wait a minute, woman." He grabbed the edge of her cape, the tug making her stop mid-step.

Kagura gulped. She wasn't prepared for this. She had to resist it. Punch him in the face and run. Run all the way to the other side of the universe.

Yeah, punch him in the face. That was a good plan.

Digging her heel into the sand, she spun around, fist aimed for his annoyingly perfect face. Unsurprisingly, it didn't connect. Tch, she should have come up with a plan B.

Sougo dodged, of course, instinctively returning the favour with a handful of sand aimed at her eyes. "The fuck?" He added, clearly confused.

"Leave me alone!" Kagura shielded her face, sweeping her leg around for a kick. It only hit the empty air, but it created enough distance between them for her to break into a sprint.

She wasn't prepared for this, and she knew she never would be.

* * *

She was a bad omen in his life. That was the only explanation she could come up with. It never lasted.

The first few times she had stuck around. Accompanied him through life. Given in to the urge to be by his side.

She thought she could save him. Every time she failed, she'd push herself to her feet again and try. Again and again. And again.

When she closed her eyes, she could almost feel his hand skimming over her arm. She could picture him giving her a gentle smile, completed by a snarky remark. She could taste the ghost of a kiss before the dark cold engulfed and drowned her.

There had to be a way to break the cycle, right? Right?!

RIGHT?!

* * *

"Yeah, you're under suspicion for being affiliated with some funky space pirates." He tugged the handcuff around her wrist. "Just be a good dog and come along."

Kagura gaped at him, roughly pulling her wrist back to herself. "Go and fuck yourself." She growled. Her brain screamed to get away, but her legs failed to obey.

"just so you know, you're the one who's making me do this." He said, leisurely snapping the other half of the handcuff around his own hand. "Oh dear, looks like you don't have a choice now."

"Of course I have a choice!" She kicked him in the shin unapologetically, snapping the frail chain with her fingers afterwards.

"Oi, that's physical assault! To a police officer!"

"Try telling me again when I look like I give a fuck!" She shot back furiously, before finally escaping his sight.

Her heart pounded in her ears as she ran and ran and ran and ran.

* * *

Maybe… it wasn't meant to be? He was strong, but fragile. And she broke many fragile things without meaning to.

* * *

He tried to hide his cough, but the traces of red in the folds of his hands didn't go unnoticed.

Kagura held out a handkerchief wordlessly.

Red eyes flitted between her face and the small cloth. Eventually, he gave in and took it. "…thanks."

"You should be careful." She muttered. "Don't overexert yourself."

"What, you worried about me? That sounds ridiculous." He wiped the corners of his mouth, removing all traces of the illness.

She merely clutched the hilt of her umbrella tighter. It has happened so many times already. So, so many times.

She should be able to deal with it by now. Her words died in her throat, because she wasn't ready.

"What is it, Kagura?" He tilted his head curiously. "If you have something to say, just say it."

"I'm sorry." She whispered, much to his surprise.

"You're behaving weirdly. You eat too much mayonnaise or something?"

That joke came at least once a lifetime. It stopped being funny the first time around, but Kagura let a bitter smile slip on her face at those stupid words.

"Yeah, you could say that."

* * *

It kept happening, no matter what. She could tell herself to stay away from him for hours and hours, only to end up in his embrace anyway. It couldn't be healthy, not in any shape or form.

But when he pushed her against the wall and kissed her, she could forget about the world. About all her problems. About her sorrows and the way he would tear her heart and soul apart unintentionally.

When she tasted his familiar lips, she could feel a spark of warmth in the emptiness.

When his fingers got tangled in her hair, she could pretend it was only the two of them, no devastating time loop bullshit and no interferences.

When she gripped the thick material of his jacket, she felt reassured, because he was here, and he was real.

And when she woke up by his side, it was almost like she was finally home.

The illusion never lasted long, always followed up by a wave of deep self-loathing. As far as she was concerned, she was the reason his life kept spiralling downwards.

She was the trigger that always lead him to an early death.

* * *

It would be unfair to say that he was the only person in this hellhole.

It was everybody. All her dear friends didn't know who she was, and each and every time she'd meet them again and again. Biting her tongue and resisting the urge to pull them into a bone-crushing hug.

Because they didn't know who she was.

Soyo smiling and holding out her hand was just as heart-breaking as Gin-chan almost running over her with his bike every cycle.

Nobume not even glancing in her direction when walking down the street, stuffing a donut into her mouth.

Tsukki didn't know her either, so showing up in Yoshiwara would just be weird.

Her earth family – Gin-chan, Shinpachi and Anego – didn't even know she existed.

Edo was so empty. So cold. So wrong.

Which is why she tried to fix it. Over and over and over again.

Until she finally accepted that it didn't seem to be the way out. It always ended the same way, regardless of her efforts and pain.

* * *

The moment she woke up, she started running, anywhere, anywhere but here. She needed to get away.

She wanted it to stop, stop, stop, stop.

Just stop.

Please.

Her feet led her to a river, where she fell to her knees and broke out in tears. She couldn't do it again. No, please, no.

She couldn't take it, her heart was already shattered, what more could she do?!

She clutched her palms over her mouth, swallowing the sobs.

* * *

She could count the days in her head.

Kagura watched as the first signs of Mitsuba's illness began to show themselves. She had tried finding a cure for it in a few lifetimes, wondering whether a certain sadist wouldn't be such a little dipshit if she managed to save his sister.

But much like her mother's sickness, some things just couldn't be changed.

Sighing, she started at the brown lawn. This was wrong, and she was fully aware of it. When the young boy had approached her at the river, she was mentally prepared to run away again.

Unfortunately, her feet kept her rooted, unable to move. He was just a stupid, bratty kid with mischievous red eyes.

Why couldn't she just walk away?

Why couldn't she just let go?

* * *

He looked angry. Upset. Incomprehensive. Hurt.

But she couldn't take it any longer, she had to go, clear her mind, get her priorities straight. She needed to stop straying from her path, even if she didn't know where it led.

She needed to breathe.

* * *

But he still caught her. He always did. She always let him.

Because underneath all the hurt, pain, anger and guilt was the desperate need to feel safe. In his arms, for just a second, she could feel secure.

* * *

She held his cold hand, putting it to her cheek as colour drained from it slowly. "I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed."

Again. Got involved in his life and he died, again. His pale face and blank eyes stared back at her, the haunting image already deeply ingrained in her memory.

She shook her head fervently as tears kept spilling from her eyes.

* * *

The permhead almost hit her with his bike again. She managed to dodge it just in time, effectively avoiding confrontation.

Otose opened the screen door just as she passed the building, and with hasty movements Kagura disappeared around the nearest corner.

She knew what route to take to avoid everybody.

"Oi, you!" An unfortunately familiar voice called out, distorted by a megaphone. She ignored him, climbing up onto the nearest roof in the hopes of ditching him.

"Travel by rooftop violates regulations! Show some respect for the hardworking citizens of Edo!" The voice drawled on with minimal earnest.

She grit her teeth. "Get out of my head!" She screeched, clutching her hands to her ears. "Just… get out of my head…"

* * *

Kagura fell on her behind, the hot desert sand scalding her palms of her hands. She tilted her head backwards, looking up at the sky, finally slumping onto her back.

Her skin burned, but she ignored the pain and slowly stretched out a hand towards the mocking heavens. "Gods above, please… If you exist… release me of this misery."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screams into the void*
> 
> This fic deserved a better ending, but my brain is mush. Sorry for the long wait. Still, do leave a comment, please~ (even if it's just to say it's terrible, I'll gladly take that)


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